Okay, so this is definitely going to be one of the hardest blog posts I have ever had to write…
Hi, Merry Christmas. It’s been a long time, I know I’m sorry, but I promised I would never leave so here I am. My life has been great until the 12 of December.
JP died on 12/12/17. I had been seeing him and kinda dating him, and he just died. He got into a car crash, he fell asleep. Just like that he’s gone. It’s going to be 2 weeks tomorrow and I still don’t want to believe it’s true.
I loved him with all of my heart and I know I didn’t make it seem like it in my posts but it’s because I didn’t know myself. I had no idea how much I loved him until he passed. I regret not pouring out my whole soul to him and telling him.
I know he loved me though, he knew I loved him but he didn’t know how much. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week or two before he passed and just told me to think about it. I gave him an answer, I said yes, but we never really talked about it. We never really said what we were.
I can’t get over this. Every time I feel like I’m starting to feel better, I cry and feel horrible all over again. I know it’s okay to hurt, but I don’t want to. This all sucks. What sucks more is I wanted him. I knew it this time. I knew I wanted him to be all mine forever. I had a future planned out with him and now I don’t. I have no idea what to do with my life now. I have no idea how I am ever going to find someone else I love because he was the only guy I loved and I only want him.
No one is ever going to be him, or going to be able to fill his place, He was so unique and amazing. He was always smiling, laughing, and he was always funny and making jokes. He was literally everything I wanted in a guy. He made me so happy and always made me feel comfortable. He helped me love myself again after a long time of hating myself. He made me feel like no one else ever has, and no one will ever be able to make me feel like that again.
I have no idea what to do. No idea how my future is going to turn out now. No idea.
Everything is so much harder without him. Not getting a text from him kills me, not being able to see him kills me even more. Obviously.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just needed to write down my feelings and anger, cause I am angry.
Angry with myself, for not trying harder, for not texting him that night, not appreciating him like i should’ve, not trying to see him more. Not trying. If i would’ve texted him he might still be here, but no because “that would never happen to me/him’. Angry with him for not stopping or calling someone. I know it’s not his fault, I know. Angry with the universe for taking him, taking the one guy who always stuck with me and loved me no matter what, the only guy I ever stuck with, the one for me. My person. Angry at God, if there even is one, he should know that JP made me so happy why the fuck would he take away my happiness if he “loves me”. Fuck I’m just angry and I want to scream at the world. Why? why? why? why? why?.
Appreciate the fuck out of everyone you love, because in one moment they could be gone and you won’t even get a chance to say goodbye. Death doesn’t let you say goodbye. It’s selfish and just takes them from you in less than a second. Tell people how you feel, tell people you love them, you care about them because you might lose the opportunity to. Just please don’t take anything for granted, because you’ll feel like shit when you realize that, that something you thought wasn’t a big deal, was everything and more.
I love you my Ravens fly high, Merry Christmas and please please never take anything for granted. Goodnight. ❤