I don’t know.

This is an edit: so before I start this post I wanted to describe myself so you guys can get a picture in your head of what I look like.

I have long brown curly knotty hair with gold/blond at the ends. I am 5’4 and I weigh 129 so I’m a little chunky I guess. I have hazel brown eyes. My face is round and I have squishy cheeks. I have long legs and I’m tan. That’s about it really. Enjoy the post!
I have started a journal that I’m going to be writing in everyday, I’m excited to start it because when I’m older and have no problems and when I’m happy, I can go back and read it and just laugh at all my problems.

I would take pictures and post them here but I don’t think you could read it, every time I write I am super high on coffee and so my handwriting is so messy.

Anyways P is the new boy and everything is going great, with him.

 I like him so much and I got to meet his mom but I was very nervous and weird and awkward so that is just great.

He is a great kisser, he has a great body, he is nice and funny and playful, he likes living life I guess you could say.

He isn’t the brown eyed boy though and yes that’s sounds bad and I don’t even know if I want anything with the brown eyed boy anymore, but I just, can’t help but love him still through everything…

The brown eyed boy actually commented on a post of P and just commented ha ha ha.. what does that mean? 

Is he jealous or “salty” you could say.. or is he just laughing because he’s seen all the boys I’ve been with and he knows I still am in love with him. He knows it’s not going to work out and I still crave him.

I want it to work out with P though, I want a serious long relationship and I want endless love and a happy life. 

Ugh.

Everything is confusing and hard and I don’t know what to do.

I am 0 days clean, I cut last night.

I just felt like it was a need, I had to, like it’s an addiction for relief, an addiction for a breath of air.

I hate it and I wish I hadn’t done it.

My life is just confusing right now so that’s it.

Goodbye for now little beautiful Ravens, remember to always fly high and stay absolutely stunning. ❤️

Update.

(Disclaimer)

I feel like I’m a bit confusing when talking about boys, me and ginger broke up a long time ago, he broke up with me because I was going to move. So that’s what Happened with him, also I am single!! Now for the update.

It’s been a while since I last updated you all on things.

Hi, I’ve decided I need to give up people and stop trying to make them happy, I need to be selfish for a while and make myself happy.

Me and the brown eyed boy have not spoke, so I can’t wait for him  anymore, he doesn’t want me enough and he never will, I know that, I think I always have. 

Me and Jp have to be done also, he is too old and we are never going to work out, I do care and love him but I think that he might have just been a distraction.

I am moving on and cutting them off I think or at least I am going to try really hard.

 I reconnected with a boy I used to go to school with recently. He is 17, a reasonable age since I turn 15 in a month. He is nice, funny, and very handsome; it might not be this romantic amazing love like it would’ve been with the brown eyed boy but, I think he can make me happy and I think I can make him happy too.

I think that me and the brown eyed boy will always have this romantic story about our almost “love” or maybe that’s just how I see it.

 Maybe one day in the far future we will see each other again and all the memories will come rushing back and we can smile and laugh like the old times and maybe, just maybe our spark will still be there, I will always deeply love him but I know now that I can’t wait for him any longer and I can’t keep Comparing everyone to him, I can’t keep wishing every boy was him.

I know deep down inside me I will always and forever keep on wishing we will see each other and fall in love all over again. 

I will always be there for him, I will continue to be his best friend but that’s all I can be for now. I have to accept that.

Depression:

My depression is still here hiding inside me, coming out every once in a while. (Next paragraph may trigger you.)

 I am 2 days clean from cutting. I cut on my thighs so my mother and sister don’t find out. 

One day while I was cutting, it didn’t hurt at all, not even a little sting, I was completely numb and that was the first time that has ever happened to me, I was scared, for the first time ever it scared me.

This morning I wanted to go cut but, I had to tell myself “no, I can’t keep doing this, I want to get better.” I really do, it’s obviously not that easy though.

I am seeing my best Friend in 61 days, FT you are my number one, I love you so much and I can not wait to meet you after all this time. You are my everything. 

Me and FT have a deep love I think and no not romantic but an amazing deep and very real friendship.

This is a very long post because I had so much to write about, I won’t ever leave you beautiful Ravens, I will always come back and write.

Remember to always fly high and stay so so beautiful. 

Choosing

I finally saw the brown eyed boy, and it was like I never left; it was like the first day I saw him, I was shy at first and then I was just so comfortable and in love and it’s crazy. 

I love him so much but then there is Jp and I used to think he was a player and he just used me every time I went to his small town, but recently he was different with me, like he actually missed me and might love me. 

Now I have to choose which one I want and I’m torn, I love them both so much. I don’t know what to do.

The brown eyed boy is my age and the first second I saw him I knew I loved him already, he was funny and cute and just the perfect boy.

With jp it took me a while to realize I loved him but I do, and it makes me sad I have to choose but I’m not a player and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it all morning and I’ve been so sad. I have to lose one of them. I don’t want to though. This just kinda sucks.

That’s all for now little Ravens have a amazing day, stay beautiful and fly high❤️

Troubles

Okay so I met someone, and he is amazing and sweet and cute, but (yes there always has to be a but) He isn’t the brown eyed boy and I feel like I just need to completely let go of him but I can’t and it’s preventing me from moving on…

It’s making it hard to fall for him completely because a piece of my heart belongs to the brown eyed boy and I feel like it always will.

I feel like he only wants me for fun and sex, and he has changed in that way, before he was all for love and he was the sweetest loving guy I knew and now not so much.

I guess you could say he isn’t the boy I fell for.

This new boy we will call him ginger and not because he has red hair but because I just saw a ginger ale bottle and that’s the first thing I thought of. (So romantic) 

Anyways I’ll describe him, short (shorter than me) 

but it’s not like the worst thing it’s really whatever but he has brown hair and brown eyes and he has a nice body. He is sweet and caring and funny, he makes me laugh but I feel like we don’t have a sexual connection if that makes sence? 

Obviously I haven’t had sex with him or anything I just I don’t know, it’s not the same connection as with the brown eyed boy….

It’s okay though he does make me happy.

I’m going to a 15th birthday party this weekend and jp is going to be there and I’m nervous to see him because I did love him and I feel like it could stir up old strong feelings… 

I’m not going to cheat on ginger though, I don’t want to hurt him.

He told me he is fallin for me and that makes me nervous because I don’t want to hurt him but I feel like I could…

I also might be moving soon so I don’t know what to do.

I have to study now though for my GED I am going to try and get it early.
Fly high little Ravens, stay beautiful and kind and smart. Love you all ❤️

I’m back

So I was watching a movie yesterday about a girl who had an anonymous blog and basically wrote about every detail of her life everyday, and a lot about sex.

Sex. I am 14 turning 15 in May, one of my close friends lost her V card (yes that’s what I’m calling it) at 14 so I mean if I lose mine at 15 I feel like that isn’t a horrible age, my original plan is for 16 but I don’t know I feel like I’m ready, the only scary part is worrying about getting pregnant, but I know about safe sex and condoms but condoms can break… it’s rare though, not too rare but I would say rare and if a condom did break I would expect to get the plan b so that’s good. 

I have only 2 people in mind for who I want to take my V card, brown eyed boy…. yes I still love him but I’m kinda trying to distance myself from him a bit, and this other D boy.

I don’t know if I ever talked about him…. he is specials it’s like he never goes away and I still always think about him, event though we haven’t been anything for almost a year now… I should’ve moved on already but I don’t know, he was my first in different ways then sex, I consider him as my first love maybe I don’t really know he confuses me.

He was my first real kiss though and it was amazing and from then on we just kinda stuck together for about six months.

 I moved after about a month after starting to see him, but we still saw each other sometimes and then it just got to hard… I cried a lot over that stupid boy…

But moving on to the original subject, I have never really had a chance to wear I could’ve had sex, but I feel like if I were in a position to have sex I would, with the right person obviously.

Maybe I should just wait too, because I probably haven’t even found the right person yet, and I don’t wanna waste my first time on someone stupid…

Anyways that’s all for now little Ravens, I always promise I’m never gonna leave you, and I really don’t think anyone is reading so maybe I’m just writing to myself…

Fly high and stay beautiful❤️

Today

I am finally leaving and going back home and I actually feel kinda sad which is weirdly strange haha…
I’m really excited for friends and family and happiness but something bad happened last night 😦
My best friend tried to kill herself, I cried for hours, she is okay now but I just feel awful and I feel so bad for her, I love her so much she is my rock.
I have to go now because I am about to go the the airport but I will be back as always, fly so high little Ravens I love you goodnight

Hi…

Hello Little Ravens, I am going back to my small town in 3 days and I am so ready.

The brown eyed boy broke up with his girlfriend and he confused me so much that I don’t even know if he is what I want anymore. 

I doubt he will even want me once he sees how ugly and fat I am…

I might want JP though or this other boy G I don’t even know though.

Anyways I gotta go but I’ll be back I always do! 

Fly high little Ravens, stay beautiful🖤